“When I grow up I want to have a baby on my own by anonymous sperm donor” was not what I was thinking as a little girl. Like most girls my age I dreamt of meeting someone, falling in love and having a family. But that is not what happened, so I decided to have a baby on my own. Once I made the decision it was easy, I was lucky enough to conceive on the first try. What was hard was everything it brought up emotionally and what it would take to feel proud of, and happy about, my life.
I was never happier than the first 5 years of Lulu’s life, my friends told me how amazing and brave I was. Strangers would tell me how they wish they had done the same thing, it was a complete high. But I began to realize that I didn’t feel brave and amazing, I felt like a loser, “I couldn’t get a man so I did this on my own” was the thought running in my head. The moment I realized what I was thinking was the moment my life began to change (again). The first piece was in place, noticing the thought in my head: “I’m a loser, I didn’t get married”. Now what do I do with that??!!
I had this seed of information about being a single mother, that I was using it against myself, as proof that I was not worthy of love. Wow. Not fun. Not in anyway did it feel good to know that I was carrying these thoughts in my head and heart.
Negative thoughts are tenacious, like weeds in the garden of our mind. I knew that in order to truly clear them out I would need to get at the root.
It always starts with a thought, the discomfort that comes with negative thoughts is there for a reason, it is telling us there is something getting in our way. Tuning into those thoughts, rather than pushing them away is where all the good stuff happens. It can be super un-fun for sure, but I promise you that there is nothing more powerful than understanding your own emotional life.
What was really brave and amazing was working through the thoughts of not being worthy of love, and all the super icky feelings that came with them. Clearing that mess in my head and heart made room for me to focus on us as a family rather than how I was feeling about myself.
Join me in the brave and amazing place of opening your mind and heart to the possibility of feeling different—if I can do it so can you!